Funny Quotes

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

There comes a time in every man’s life, and I’ve had plenty of them.

A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

He would make a lovely corpse.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I’m afraid it did.

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange.

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

I’d luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

I’m kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

For your information, I would like to ask a question.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

I can’t even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Every man has his follies – and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.

I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.

I have a love interest in every one of my films – a gun.

I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

I like children – fried.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

There’s a great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together.

I rant, therefore I am.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

I think serial monogamy says it all.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

I’d never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.

I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I’m like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

My inner child is not wounded.

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.

I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers.

I never said most of the things I said.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

The two basic items necessary to sustain life are sunshine and coconut milk.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

What’s on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Never floss with a stranger.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

Never wear anything that panics the cat.

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

One man’s folly is another man’s wife.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.

People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.

Never fight an inanimate object.

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

The consumer isn’t a moron; she is your wife.

I like marriage. The idea.

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

You’re only as good as your last haircut.

Forward it...

Leave a Reply