Funny Quotes and One-Liners

1. ”How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’” – Unknown

2. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Will Rogers

3. “Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” – José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

4. ”Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong” – Unknown

5. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Brian Gerald O’Driscoll

6. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go” – Oscar Wilde

7. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, ‘Proverbs’ 17:28)

8. “The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.” – Unknown

9. “The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.” – Albert Einstein

10. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown

11. “Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” – Bill McGlashen

12. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” – Marilyn Monroe

13. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets” – Al McGuire

14. “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” – Mark Twain

15. “Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?” – Unknown

 

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